I got followed yesterday. Not literally by any means, but by a computer systems analyst. It was the most goddamnedest thing I ever saw. I was breaking into the files of the Xoetrop Corporation’s mainframe through the Auburn system and suddenly, faster than I thought possible, I was zapped. All of my files, programs, and data was transmitted over the lines then erased from my logon. And I thought I was good! I’m just glad I kept everything in the backup logon. In other words, it could have been a lot worse.

Anyway, Xoetrop knows I’m here. Well, they don’t know I’m here, but they know that my computer is here, and that’s what matters. I’ve been downloading files into my Apple ][c Turbo. Don’t bother looking for it in the stores. You won’t find it. I had to make most of it myself. The Turbo part, I mean. With the chips I made from plans "procured" from the Department of Defense, I boosted my little ][c into a 20 Megabyte supercomputer with all the extras: Artificial Intelligence, split nanosecond calculations, and a wonderful holographic memory system that eliminates the need for the occasional save. It’s got a fabulous real-time monitor that correlates saved data with terminal time, allowing me to monitor three things at once: saved data, real-time data input, and real-time modem I/O. The reason I wasn’t using the ][c yesterday is because I didn’t want Xoetrop tracing my phone number. Oh, by the way, Xoetrop is a front for the World Crime Consortium.

I woke up this morning at four A.M. Not because I wanted to, but because my phone rang. I was up late last night and forgot to hit the "Answer" button on the ][c Turbo. Normally, it takes care of all my calls. I hit the button then. After the next ring, the ][c kicked in and gave off my digitized voice. It’s a pretty system.

"Hello," my computer said in my voice.

Static followed, then there was a series of clear tones, the kind used by the modem to transmit data. I killed the phone line as fast as I could. I had this feeling that Xoetrop had traced me faster than I thought they could. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m sure they did. They left a message for me in the ][c memory: DELETE. That’s the computer equivalent to "nuke." Needless to say, I tried my best to find out what else had gone in before I cut the line, but couldn’t find anything. My next step was to trace the call to its source.

This sounds a lot harder than it really is. You see, all this stuff about bulky phone tracers and taps is bullshit, as long as you can tap into the local exchange and trace the call backwards. The only time this is really hard is when the call is made locally. This one wasn’t. I found it easily. My phone was answered at precisely 4:02:10.4 (AT&T has spent a lot of money on their computerized clock). The call connected into the Auburn exchange at 4:02:09.3 and originated from the Sacramento, California exchange at 4:01:43.8. Sacramento is the home of Xoetrop. It’s also the home of Maxwell Q. Kante, the genius who created the Xoetrop computer chips that the Department of Defense bought for some outrageous price. I got it from them for free. The call originated from an isolated line in Kante’s office in the Xoetrop complex. Neat, huh?

Anyway, I called up the number. A voice answered.

"Hello, Max Kante. Can I help you?"

"Sure, Max old buddy, this is Jack Sprat and I need that water you got from the well that Jill brought back."

There was a telltale millisecond pause before the surprised "What?" came through.

I said, "Yeah, that’s what I thought," and hung up. I redialed using the modem. I had decided to let Kante’s computer have a look at my computer. What? How did I know I had been talking to a computer? Easy, normal people would have interrupted me at the "Jack Sprat" line, but Kante’s voice had allowed me to get all the way through "Jill" and stopped before it had processed and answered. My computer does the same thing. Illogic is the neatest way to trick a computer. Mine’s been trying to learn how so it can fool me. I don’t think it will work, but it gives it practice.

Anyway, my computer dialed Kante’s office. The same voice answered.

"Hello, Max Kante. Can I help you?"

There was a brief pause of static, then my computer kicked in with a speed burst of information and clicked off. I hadn’t told it to do that. I asked it why. It wouldn’t tell me, so I checked the data in the speed burst. I congratulated my computer for a fabulous attempt at illogic through logical means. Then I lay down and went back to sleep without any worries.

The headlines in the Sacramento paper read "Xoetrop Computer Failure, Computer Piracy Suspected." The story talked about the memory of the Xoetrop computer being dump loaded into a foreign government’s intelligence source computers. I laughed. The exact square root of pi has a lot of decimal places that need memory storage. Who said computers are no fun?

Howard Scott
27 May 1988