It is so hard, so very, very hard,
To love you, to want you, to wait for you
When I know that you are not even here,
Not even close. I need to hold you, or
Hold somebody, pretending it’s you.
How can I control emotions run wild?
I love you, but I have a need. I know,
Though, that if you were here, that need would leave,
Would be fulfilled in a heated fury
Of love and passion, of hugs and kisses.
Can someone else simulate your soft touch?
Can another so sweetly give your kiss?
I long for you, for your loving caress,
For all of those little sighs and bright laughs.
But... I need something now as well, something
To touch, to hold, to feel, to see, to love,
But only in that most physical sense.
It would not be the love I hold for you,
But that lust reserved for adultery,
The lust I didn’t feel I had. Forgive....

Yes, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I have fostered an unhealthy lusting
In my heart, mind, and soul... no, not my heart.
That belongs to Her, my only true love,
The only one who provokes all of me
To take arms for Her name’s sake, Her honor.
She is my queen, as I am King, rulers
Of all that is Earth: fire, water, air, and stone.
She is the only ruler of my heart,
The only owner, the only desire,
Despite my lusts, wants, feeble emotions.
I am Hers, wholly and inseparably.
But it’s so hard, so very, very hard.

I love her.

Howard Scott
13 February 1989